Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in anael_soraku's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
10:10 pm	And as yet I walk in the fires of my mind drifting in desperate longing I feel naught around me to quench the thirst nor drive forward to water. I can neither feel nor see a path away from the pain. I am alone. I miss my friends. My real friends. The ones who I know would die for me or more live for me. I miss what was. Time heals all wounds and the cycle will turn again, but for now it seems so distant. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2008
2:28 am	More Free Than I've Been in a Long While Despite the loneliness, despite some of the pain, I feel more free than I have in a long while. I wish that things could have been different, that we could have been perfect for one another but its been long clear that that is not the case. She slapped me because that's what I'd been doing to her emotionally. And with that we sealed the path I had chosen. And now I feel more Free than I have in a long while. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 9th, 2008
5:12 am	HA! 59 Weeks, a new record See above for amusement. I hadn't written in my physical journal in about the same. Amazing/odd isn't it that I don't write unless I'm single, or have recently become so at least. Saw a man pick up a child on tv today, and I had the overwhelming sensation of holding one myself again. Veeeery odd as I've held all of two kids for maybe 30 minutes total.... Meh. How do you reconcile what you remember with what you've experienced? (Comment on this)
Friday, May 18th, 2007
11:11 pm	GF So...I uh, have a gf now. Which is excellent. Met her through her mom...whom I work with... Which is a tad odd, but tis okay, I'll deal. Actually its the fact that I work with her mom's bf everyday that's a tad more weird. Because his sense of humor...unfortunate at times. For example, first time he talked to me after I took Brittney (that's the gf, btw) out he says "Just think, if things work out I could be your dad." This is a dude I work with! Wtf?! Oh well. Its cool, and I like it. Related note, she seems to be able to keep me in line. I'll give you a second to digest that. Seriously, I'm excited. There's a pic out on FB (first one of "added by others" at the moment) if you're wondering what she looks like. Brunette, 5'1", smart, sarcastic, slightly (okay more then slightly, but w/e) violent, tad crazy, and very smart. Did I mention she keeps me in line? And...uh...she challenged me to a shot competition. That would be booze not guns. I'm scared of the hangover... Also the tequila, but w/e. Current Mood: ecstatic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 2nd, 2007
11:40 pm	So the end has arrived. Which is a relief in some ways and frustrating in others. Oh well. No more sense of impending doom... Sort of... Current Mood: content (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
12:54 am	Heard an amazing song that I thought I'd share on. Called "All I can do" by Tyrone Wells. Regardless. I'm a sap. We all know this. However, its driving me nutty. This sense of impending doom is frustrating, I don't want the end to be near. I want the end to be here or for it to get the fuck away. Its probably all in my head, again. But still. Gah, I mope far too much. (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 31st, 2007
4:36 am	There is a place... Where I hide my thoughts. Were everything is explained. One day they will find it and understand everything. Then again, who'd believe it? How am I so crazy schizo when it comes to emotion? Seriously, how? I go from being on a crazy ass high one moment to an even crazier low the next. I don't know what to think of what's going on w/ Her right now. She's pushing me away and keeping me close all at once. I don't know what to do. I think I've spoken to her all of four times since she came back from SB. She's crazy busy and I get that. But not even time for a 5 minute Hey-just-wanted-to-see-how-your-day-was? I mean really, long distance doesn't work w/o communication. Which is probably why I fling so high and low. High when I get to talk to her and then low again when that's gone. Its driving me fucking crazy. On top of that I have no social life at the moment. So I'm siting at home typing out LJ posts on a Friday night, yeah this sounds healthy. I need something to fucking do. What I need is a fucking girlfriend. Oh wait, snap, that's right. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 26th, 2007
4:27 am	What's...? What's the most dangerous crazy thing you've ever done? I lived, dreamed, trusted and loved. I've dared to hope for things unseen. I've put my heart where it can be broken and picked up the pieces after. I've been in a duel of swords, of wits, of hearts. I've trusted a complete stranger, been free with myself. I've hidden little, told much, and rarely looked back. What the most dangerous crazy thing you've ever done? Me? I lived. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 29th, 2006
4:02 am	So here's a convo I had earlier this evening with a girl I knew from Ferris. Read the commentary tha follow the convo below for why I'm going to hell. CG (9:28:36 PM): hey, how the hell have you been? C7 (9:29:15 PM): I've been pretty good. Busy. You? CG (9:29:22 PM): i've been good CG (9:29:32 PM): enjoying my new school/life C7 (9:29:45 PM): Excellent. I see you have a new toy. C7 (9:29:52 PM): Sorry, typo there, boy. CG (9:29:55 PM): lol CG (9:29:57 PM): yup CG (9:30:09 PM): we've been together almost 5 months now C7 (9:30:15 PM): Impressive. CG (9:30:28 PM): yeah CG (9:30:42 PM): especially since i have been gone almost 4 of those months C7 (9:31:07 PM): Wow. I'm impressed. I would figure you for one to be tempted to stray in that sort of situation. CG (9:31:17 PM): nope CG (9:31:32 PM): i had a crush on him back when i was a freshman in hs and he was a senior CG (9:31:39 PM): i'm not doing anything to screw this up C7 (9:31:49 PM): Ah. So this is a special case then... CG (9:31:58 PM): yeah, pretty much CG (9:31:59 PM): lol C7 (9:32:01 PM): lol CG (9:32:13 PM): and i'm SO glad i got out of michigan CG (9:32:17 PM): in some ways of course C7 (9:32:21 PM): ~.^ CG (9:32:58 PM): i'm not glad to be away from john, but some other people i'm SO glad i NEVER have to see again C7 (9:33:07 PM): Ah yes. C7 (9:33:18 PM): The infamous picture incident... CG (9:33:19 PM): i figured you'd remember CG (9:33:22 PM): yeah... C7 (9:33:45 PM): Well, from rumor I heard it wasn't the worst one.... At least tha's something... CG (9:34:04 PM): wait, what?! CG (9:34:14 PM): what else have you heard?! C7 (9:34:27 PM): I heard that were some full out hardcore type stuff. :shrugs: CG (9:34:45 PM): where have you heard that??? C7 (9:35:22 PM): I heard it from a couple of people... Can't place who exactly said it... CG (9:35:40 PM): and where is this "hardcore type stuff"? C7 (9:36:02 PM): Uhh...I would assume on the same guy who gave the other pic out in the first place's computer. CG (9:36:30 PM): wait, what? CG (9:36:32 PM): i'm confused C7 (9:36:39 PM): About what? CG (9:36:46 PM): about what is going on CG (9:36:51 PM): fent gave jodi those pics CG (9:36:57 PM): that is all i know C7 (9:37:10 PM): Okay. Well supposedly he had ones tha were "worse" CG (9:37:34 PM): ok... C7 (9:37:35 PM): Or better, I suppose. CG (9:37:53 PM): and where would these pics be posted??? C7 (9:38:10 PM): I don't believe they are. C7 (9:38:17 PM): Are you saying that they actually exist? C7 (9:38:26 PM): Wow. I didn't figure you'd gone quite tha far with it... CG (9:38:31 PM): i didn't CG (9:38:38 PM): i'm wondering if there were though C7 (9:38:46 PM): ~.^ CG (9:38:46 PM): i'm not THAT much of a whore CG (9:38:51 PM): for god's sake C7 (9:39:03 PM): You realize that's going to make my quite board? CG (9:39:11 PM): huh??? C7 (9:39:15 PM): CG (9:38:46 PM): i'm not THAT much of a whore CG (9:38:51 PM): for god's sake CG (9:39:31 PM): how would that make you board? C7 (9:39:44 PM): It amuses me. CG (9:40:04 PM): i see C7 (9:40:34 PM): So how's school? CG (9:40:42 PM): well, i haven't talked to fent since he decided to be an ass and call. he thought i was still up at ferris, and didn't call again when he found out i was here CG (9:40:44 PM): it's good CG (9:40:55 PM): there are a lot of nice people here. true girl friends C7 (9:40:56 PM): Sounds like an interesting bit of drama CG (9:41:04 PM): he just wanted someone to screw C7 (9:41:07 PM): Ah. Well, if you swing that way, that's fun too... CG (9:41:11 PM): thought he would call me C7 (9:41:11 PM): lol Hey, we all want tha sometimes. CG (9:41:12 PM): no CG (9:41:19 PM): that isn't how it was meant to sound C7 (9:41:21 PM): I know. I have to joke about such things. CG (9:41:21 PM): i mean C7 (9:41:23 PM): lol CG (9:41:32 PM): i thought jodi was a true friend, but look what that slut did to me CG (9:41:37 PM): i know you do C7 (9:41:56 PM): I suppose. People do crude things to one another when they feel hurt. C7 (9:42:12 PM): Even, and perhaps especially, when neither party thinks they done anything to hurt the other. CG (9:42:30 PM): she started acting cold toward me C7 (9:42:50 PM): Yeah. I don't really know the whole story. I just sort of caught the peripherial. CG (9:43:03 PM): yeah C7 (9:43:28 PM): Tho I maintain that is a fun pic. I think I've got it saved somewhere... CG (9:43:37 PM): are you fucking serious CG (9:43:41 PM): why would you do that?? C7 (9:44:05 PM): Cause I save all the boob pics of women I know? CG (9:44:10 PM): omg C7 (9:44:32 PM): Hmm? CG (9:45:16 PM): i just wish that part of my life just disappeared. i regret almost that entire year. that was one of they things that motivated me to leave C7 (9:45:29 PM): I wondered. C7 (9:45:35 PM): Almost everything? CG (9:45:50 PM): almost C7 (9:45:54 PM): ~.^ CG (9:45:58 PM): i made some decent friends there C7 (9:46:29 PM): Yah. Same here. I made some decent friends, some great friends, and some friends that will be with me forever. CG (9:46:42 PM): yeah CG (9:47:00 PM): and i have people i never want to see again C7 (9:47:12 PM): Yeah, I know how that goes to. CG (9:47:24 PM): ok CG (9:47:33 PM): i told john about that C7 (9:47:43 PM): About? The pictures? CG (9:47:47 PM): everything CG (9:47:55 PM): he knows all about ferris pretty much CG (9:47:59 PM): that was hard to talk about CG (9:48:05 PM): i told him while i was here C7 (9:48:05 PM): I bet. C7 (9:48:13 PM): Shame's a hard one to deal with. CG (9:48:19 PM): i sent him what was written about me on that myspace CG (9:48:25 PM): it's not just shame CG (9:48:31 PM): embarrassment too CG (9:48:35 PM): and complete anger CG (9:48:48 PM): you have no idea just how hard that hit me CG (9:48:50 PM): no idea CG (9:49:05 PM): whenever i think of that bitch or that asshole i get instantly pissed off C7 (9:49:14 PM): Wow, you gotta be angry now then... CG (9:49:22 PM): i'm raging mad CG (9:49:27 PM): my arms are so fucking tense CG (9:49:36 PM): i could fucking punch my wall and not feel it C7 (9:50:08 PM): Ah. Yes, I suppose angry would describe that feeling... CG (9:50:27 PM): it's a little worse than anger CG (9:50:37 PM): if i saw either of them, i would need to be tied down CG (9:50:52 PM): and i don't know if that would stop me C7 (9:50:55 PM): Being tied down can be fun. Probably not the way you're thinking, but you know. CG (9:51:03 PM): i wouldn't know C7 (9:51:20 PM): ~.^ C7 (9:51:25 PM): Really? You should try it sometime... CG (9:51:32 PM): i'm not really into that C7 (9:51:38 PM): Me either, hence once in a while. CG (9:51:42 PM): i'm just now relaxing with john CG (9:52:07 PM): ever since that experience, i have a VERY hard time trusting anyone C7 (9:52:23 PM): Ah. CG (9:52:39 PM): so yeah CG (9:53:43 PM): the only thing i find amusing is that jodi did that to me, and she is acting like i hurt her CG (9:53:48 PM): that fucking whore CG (9:53:53 PM): sorry if you are still friends with her CG (9:54:02 PM): but ihave A LOT of anger toward her C7 (9:54:30 PM): I am still friends with her. But that's okay. People I know can be angry w/ each other without it effecting me, ya know? CG (9:54:43 PM): yup, i know exactly C7 (9:55:14 PM): Doesn't mean I agree or disagree with either side. Just watch in a certain level of bemusement over it all. CG (9:55:24 PM): i see C7 (9:55:42 PM): Not a-musement, be-musement. Significantly different. CG (9:55:52 PM): ok... C7 (9:56:32 PM): Sort of the step back can't stop the train sort of situation. So apparently a picture of her got posted to myspace. Upper body nudity. Along with some pretty horrible things written about her. Then all of her friends were added as friends. Now whomever did this was pretty vicious. You have to respect whomever did it. Or helped do it. Or facillitated, or what not. But I'm pretty sure that such entities would be hell bound. Oh well, I suppose. Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 7th, 2006
6:01 am	Realizations We pass up opportunities every day. Our lives begin with infinite possibilities, but each of our choices funnel us towards a final unavoidable consequence. How is it that life with its infinite possibility has only one ending? The climax may be different for each, but the story ends the same way. Two quotes come to mind "Why do people die? To make life important" (Six Feet Under) and "Remember the people around you, for some day you will tell your children that you served with such men and women." (Battlestar Galactica) You are remembered. Which is all that truly matters. Each of you have made a mark on my heart, and I hope I on yours. And as we grow and change moving towards that inevitable final consequence I shall pass on that mark you made on me in some way onto others. We are part of a chain that stretches back to the Dawn of Time. Unbroken. One last quote... "I loved you the moment I saw you. I love you now...and I'll love you forever. No goodbye. There's only love [...]" (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 8th, 2006
3:58 am	I miss... ...my friends... ...my family... ...college... ...life... ...my Real job... ...my CoWorkers... Gone, but not forgotten. A motto to live by. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
3:27 am	Sloganizer What Can Anael Soraku Do For You? Amusing output from here. Enjoy! On unrelated news, my bday is coming up in like 23 days. Something like that. And no, I didn't forget about the other birthday coming up here in like 15 or so days. Yeah, I don't know the date off the top of my head, but I didn't forget. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
8:56 pm	I am Alive Learning Growing Changing Alone Tired Afraid Excited Joyful Prayerful Mindful Loving Protecting I am alive. I am returned. I am Anael Soraku known as Raguel to some, An to others, loved by many, loving few. I am Alive. (1 Comment |Comment on this)